You...
I can feel a fog weaving around my head...
So many things come together in psychological ways. Relation has always been my undoing. So intricate, so frail... yet indestructible; the pathways surrounding my life. Everything coalesces... it becomes the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've had it forever, and day by day I think I understand it more. I know that I've built my own dungeon. I don't have the pride to defend my interior. I don't want to live inside-out, it's just that the plague spreads until I have to sanctify my own emotions. It's pathetic, really... On an elemental level, I'm only expelling the polar opposite of what I can't talk to other people about. No one's ever filled that niche... I thought they had, but then you're proven wrong one day. Feeling stupid is something I've reluctantly gotten used to.
I'm programming myself without knowing it, wringing my soul out all over the table. Where did that simple beauty go?
I concentrate on my breathing because It's easier than quieting myself. I think of all the things I want to say, and I compact them... the pressure is more than I can handle. I want to stop everything, and say...
I will be here. I will prove that I'm more than my words. Every part of me aches when I think about how much time I spend thinking about you, because I can't be there with you. I've done so many things that hurt my credibility... But I just don't know what to do. I want to be patient, but I always feel like I'm running out of time... I've always been escaping from something, or trying to hold on to something that is slipping. It's engrained in my head, and it makes me so very nervous. The past rises to the surface when I think about you... it's overwhelming. I feel as if I've been lost for all these years, and it's a shock to the senses to really try to find myself again... but I will be here for you, Linnea.
I don't know... I need to calm down. Thoughts race by so quickly, and I try to snatch every one, to fully interpret it. It makes me overthink everything, it causes me to atrophy. I'm a fool, and I know it.
So many things come together in psychological ways. Relation has always been my undoing. So intricate, so frail... yet indestructible; the pathways surrounding my life. Everything coalesces... it becomes the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've had it forever, and day by day I think I understand it more. I know that I've built my own dungeon. I don't have the pride to defend my interior. I don't want to live inside-out, it's just that the plague spreads until I have to sanctify my own emotions. It's pathetic, really... On an elemental level, I'm only expelling the polar opposite of what I can't talk to other people about. No one's ever filled that niche... I thought they had, but then you're proven wrong one day. Feeling stupid is something I've reluctantly gotten used to.
I'm programming myself without knowing it, wringing my soul out all over the table. Where did that simple beauty go?
I concentrate on my breathing because It's easier than quieting myself. I think of all the things I want to say, and I compact them... the pressure is more than I can handle. I want to stop everything, and say...
I will be here. I will prove that I'm more than my words. Every part of me aches when I think about how much time I spend thinking about you, because I can't be there with you. I've done so many things that hurt my credibility... But I just don't know what to do. I want to be patient, but I always feel like I'm running out of time... I've always been escaping from something, or trying to hold on to something that is slipping. It's engrained in my head, and it makes me so very nervous. The past rises to the surface when I think about you... it's overwhelming. I feel as if I've been lost for all these years, and it's a shock to the senses to really try to find myself again... but I will be here for you, Linnea.
I don't know... I need to calm down. Thoughts race by so quickly, and I try to snatch every one, to fully interpret it. It makes me overthink everything, it causes me to atrophy. I'm a fool, and I know it.
posted by Anonymous at 7:37 PM
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