A different way to be...
In my depths, something was hidden. I forgot it was even there. It's the spark that instills within me a thirst for knowledge. It's the wave that brings me back to solid ground. It's warm, the sound that stops my breath, that causes me to stop and think... to really think, to delve and to formulate.
It's eerie and disconcerting. I completely lost myself. I lost every single thing about me. And since no one sees that part of me, no one noticed.
All of the wrath, the passionate violence I wrought was only internal. All of the things I grew up to believe in were completely forgotten. It feels like a jump through space, as if everything's been in the haze of a dream. It's a very visceral feeling of temporary death. It freaks me out and It's always going to stick with me. I'm happy in a strange way that I'm back... because a part of me knows that I belong where I came from; a perpetually tender scar.
There is real insanity in this world, it's not just what is obvious. There is a very depressing psychosis in every movement, every second of every day. The back of my brain is always attacking what I keep up front, It's hard to defend myself, sometimes.
That's all a person really has. Everything is meaningless when you can't hold yourself steady, even death. It's just another event to paste on the timeline. I have lost all ability to keep myself standing. I'm finding that it's very hard to reclaim my position within myself, to not be ruled by instinct, nor pain, nor despair.
three or four years ago, I never would have thought so many sticks could fall loose to collapse a dam. I never thought that anything was real. And then, all I found corporeal was the way I hated everything. The way I hated myself, the way I'll always hate myself. All I found was an insane solution to a schizophrenic problem. I'm broken in a lot of places, in a lot of ways. I even forgot what it was like to look forward to a future day... to look forward at all.
And now, it all sounds completely moronic. Stupid, illegitimate, wrong.
I honestly doubt I could ever climb back up. Part of me doesn't even think I should try. But I have to, because I want it so badly. I want to stand on the top with you, somehow. I can't stand the neutrality I force upon myself.
Who is the "you"? It's the girl I don't even know how to describe. It's the person I found so much solace in. She has a sense of humor that makes me smile, because it's a lot like mine. She has a mind that's beautiful in a way I can't explain... I just know it. I know she's beautiful.
And I lost it.
I lost it more than once. I failed. I usually fail, so does that mean I should always expect to fail? I don't want to give up that easily. I can't.
It's eerie and disconcerting. I completely lost myself. I lost every single thing about me. And since no one sees that part of me, no one noticed.
All of the wrath, the passionate violence I wrought was only internal. All of the things I grew up to believe in were completely forgotten. It feels like a jump through space, as if everything's been in the haze of a dream. It's a very visceral feeling of temporary death. It freaks me out and It's always going to stick with me. I'm happy in a strange way that I'm back... because a part of me knows that I belong where I came from; a perpetually tender scar.
There is real insanity in this world, it's not just what is obvious. There is a very depressing psychosis in every movement, every second of every day. The back of my brain is always attacking what I keep up front, It's hard to defend myself, sometimes.
That's all a person really has. Everything is meaningless when you can't hold yourself steady, even death. It's just another event to paste on the timeline. I have lost all ability to keep myself standing. I'm finding that it's very hard to reclaim my position within myself, to not be ruled by instinct, nor pain, nor despair.
three or four years ago, I never would have thought so many sticks could fall loose to collapse a dam. I never thought that anything was real. And then, all I found corporeal was the way I hated everything. The way I hated myself, the way I'll always hate myself. All I found was an insane solution to a schizophrenic problem. I'm broken in a lot of places, in a lot of ways. I even forgot what it was like to look forward to a future day... to look forward at all.
And now, it all sounds completely moronic. Stupid, illegitimate, wrong.
I honestly doubt I could ever climb back up. Part of me doesn't even think I should try. But I have to, because I want it so badly. I want to stand on the top with you, somehow. I can't stand the neutrality I force upon myself.
Who is the "you"? It's the girl I don't even know how to describe. It's the person I found so much solace in. She has a sense of humor that makes me smile, because it's a lot like mine. She has a mind that's beautiful in a way I can't explain... I just know it. I know she's beautiful.
And I lost it.
I lost it more than once. I failed. I usually fail, so does that mean I should always expect to fail? I don't want to give up that easily. I can't.
posted by Anonymous at 6:14 PM
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